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Episode Father Knows Beast
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Twilight Sparkle: Woo-hoo-hoo!
Spike: Whoa! Ta-da!
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, Spike. Now let's try a flip. Remember – two flaps, then straight up!
Spike: Got it!
Spike: [grunts]
Spike: [inhales]
Twilight Sparkle: You're doing great, Spike. Now let's see the big finish!
Spike: [sighs]
Spike: Whoa-oa-oa-oa!
Spike: [grunts] I don't know about "big", but I am definitely finished.
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe I should get Rainbow Dash. She's the one who taught me advanced flying techniques.
Spike: No, thanks. If I'm gonna mess up, I'd rather do it in front of you. I just don't understand why none of your advice is helping.
Smolder: Because she's teaching you to fly like a pony instead of a dragon.
Spike: What's the difference?
Smolder: Well, we don't have feathers, for starters.
Spike: Ye-he-he-hes!
Spike: Wow! Thank you so much! How did you know I just needed to bend my wings?
Smolder: Honestly, this is Dragon 101. Usually dragon parents teach this stuff.
[knock, knock]
[door opens]
Twilight Sparkle: Spike, I've been thinking about our flying lesson.
Spike: Uh-huh...
Twilight Sparkle: I can't believe I overlooked something as simple as feathers. It's no wonder you were having trouble. I wish I had more "dragonish" knowledge to give you. Do you think being raised by ponies has affected you in other ways? Spike?
Spike: Did you say something, Twilight? Sorry. I'm just finishing up this "thank-you" throw pillow for Smolder. And you know how I get when I'm in the embroidery zone.
Twilight Sparkle: [chuckles]
[theme song]
Spike: It's a pillow! But not for your head. Although it could be. It's a throw pillow. They're more casual. You can use 'em anywhere. You don't like it.
Smolder: Uh, it's not that. It's just dragons don't really use pillows. At all.
Spike: What?
Smolder: Hey, what's that?
Spike: I don't know. But it's... heading right for us!
Spike: Okay. Now I really owe you for the lesson.
Sludge: [groans, chuckles] Hey there, young dragons. [coughs] Name's Sludge. How are yours tails shakin'? [groans]
Spike: You all right?
Smolder: Yeah. What happened?
Sludge: To what?
Sludge: Oh. I don't need to explain myself to a couple of baby dragons. [groaning and whimpering]
Sludge: Ow...
Spike: Maybe not. But you're hurt and need help. So I'm taking you to Twilight's castle whether you like it or not?
Sludge: Castle, eh? [groans]
Twilight Sparkle: I'm glad Spike brought you here, Sludge. I understand you made quite the impression in town.
Pinkie Pie: Literally! There's a hole and everything!
Sludge: Well, I hope you're not expecting me to fix it. [groans]
Applejack: It doesn't look like you're in much shape to do anything.
Sludge: I'll manage. Dragons take care of themselves. I don't need help from a bunch of castle-livin' ponies. [whimpers]
Rarity: Darling, do be careful.
Sludge: I'm... [groans] ...fine.
Fluttershy: I can't watch!
Rainbow Dash: You're not the first stubborn dragon we've met, you know?
Spike: And sometimes, even dragons need help.
Twilight Sparkle: I promise. My friends and I will only do enough to get you back on your claws.
[montage music]
[sewing machine whirring]
[cider press whirring]
Sludge: [sighs]
[doors creak]
Sludge: [sniffs]
Sludge: [chewing noisily]
Mane Six and Spike: [cheer]
Sludge: [chomp]
Twilight Sparkle: I know you had your reservations, but it's good to see you feeling better.
Sludge: T-Thanks, I guess.
Rarity: That's what friends are for, darling.
Sludge: You're pretty lucky to have friends like these, kid.
Spike: Actually, I was orphaned as an egg, and Twilight raised me. So these ponies are more than my friends. They're my family.
Twilight Sparkle: We try our best, but sometimes I worry that maybe Spike is...
Spike: Missing something deep down and dragonish.
Sludge: Really? Wow. I-I can't tell you how glad I am to hear that.
Applejack: Why in Equestria would you be glad to hear that?
Sludge: I wasn't gonna say anything since your life seemed so perfect, but I have a confession to make. Coming to Ponyville wasn't an accident. I was looking for you. Spike... [sighs] I'm your father.
Mane Six: [gasp]
Pinkie Pie: [continues gasping] Sorry.
Twilight Sparkle: So you crashed in Ponyville on purpose?
Sludge: Well, the crash part wasn't on purpose, but heading here was. I've been searching everywhere for you, kid.
Spike: Did you ask in the Crystal Empire? I'm kind of well-known there.
Pinkie Pie: Actually, Spike's well-known everywhere. Not a lot of dragons were hatched by the Princess of Friendship.
Applejack: Mm-hmm.
Sludge: [choked up] You make it sound so simple. I wish you'd been there to help me search.
[doors open]
Spike: I can't believe it. I have so many questions.
Sludge: Well, ask away. Answering questions is what dads are for.
Spike: I guess my biggest question is simple. Why was I an orphaned egg?
Sludge: [stammers] You sure you don't want to ask something else? [choked up] It's a lot of painful memories. [sighs] Your mother was the best dragon I'd ever met.
Sludge: [voiceover] The Dragon Lord even picked her to scout for the Great Migration, and-and even though she just laid your egg, we knew she'd have to go. But finding the Migration route could take a lifetime, and you deserved a chance to know your mother. So I went looking for you, carrying your egg to places no dragon or pony has ever been. Past Mount Aris, the abandoned home of the Hippogriffs...
Pinkie Pie: Ooh! Did you visit Klugetown?
Sludge: You've been to Klugetown?
Mane Six: [various affirming]
Twilight Sparkle: Also, the Hippogriffs returned to Mount Aris after we helped them defeat the Storm King.
Sludge: Oh, well, have you heard of the Land of the... Scale Collectors?
Twilight Sparkle: Uh-uh.
Sludge: [to Spike] Because that's where your mother's trail finally led.
Sludge: [voiceover] To a prison world of dragon hunters, where I was forced to choose between surrendering myself or surrendering your egg.
Sludge: [voiceover, choked up] Of course, there was no way I was gonna sacrifice my boy. So they took me instead, and that's where I'd been ever since.
Sludge: Locked up somewhere not even the Princess of Friendship has heard of.
Spike: Whoa... How did you know I was a boy?
Fluttershy: Whatever happened to Spike's mom?
Rainbow Dash: And how did the egg make it all the way back to Equestria by itself?
Pinkie Pie: Hmm?
Sludge: I wish I had all the answers. [crying]
Spike: Well, that's all in the past. The only thing that matters now is that we're together. And I'm gonna make up for lost time.
Spike: I hope you don't mind, but I have a list of all the things I always wanted to do with my dad?
Sludge: Mind? Spike, my boy, with you by my side, I feel like we could do anything. What do you want to do first?
Spike: Well, I've kind of been working on a list for a long time.
[scroll unrolls]
Sludge: Dude, you want to do all of this?
Spike: Oh. I mean, w-we don't have to.
Sludge: If you think doing everything on this incredibly long list is gonna fill the hole where your dragonishness should be, then that is exactly what we're gonna do!
Spike: [gasps]
[montage music]
Granny Smith: [blows whistle]
Sludge: [chomp, belches fire]
Pinkie Pie: Woo-hoo!
Spike: Oh, yeah!
[wind whistling]
[paper tearing]
[paper tearing]
[oven timer rings]
Sludge: [chewing noisily]
Sludge: [gulps]
Spike: I can't believe we got so many things done. But this is all my stuff. Is there anything you always wanted to do with me?
Sludge: Not really.
Sludge: Uhhh, I mean, uh, I'm happy to do whatever you want. But if I had a castle like this with all this stuff, I'd probably just lay around all day doing nothing like a real dragon.
Spike: Like a real dragon?
Sludge: Sure! I'm not surprised you don't know any better. Twilight basically raised you as a pony. You're barely a dragon at all.
Spike: Huh?
[doors open]
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, Spike! How are things going with Sludge?
Spike: Honestly, I thought having him around would make me feel more dragonish. But I kind of feel less.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, I'm sorry. I wish I could help.
Sludge: Awww, shucks. [chewing noisily] I guess I shouldn't have said anything about you being more pony than dragon. I just wish we had more in common.
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe you two can come up with ways to turn up Spike's, uh, dragonishness.
Spike: You think that's something we can do?
Sludge: You know what, son? I think it is!
Sludge: Spike, I'm gonna teach you a thing or two about being a dragon. So, listen up, my boy, because I'm only gonna say this once.
Look at this castle where you live
Spike: It's pretty sweet, right?
You can't be a dragon here
Spike: Uh, I can't?
Look at these books up on the wall
Spike: Hey, I just finished organizing those!
This treasure pile's not right, I fear
Trust me, I got you covered here. You see all this soft pony stuff you're surrounded with? This has got to be the first thing to go.
Nothin' 'bout this place says "dragon den", there's too much fluff
All these fancy robes, toss in a pile
Take those goblets, dishes, is that gold? Still not enough!
De-ponifying might just take a while
Sure, this place is grandiose
But to a dragon, it's just gross
Time we make the lot all disappear
Reality you need a dose
To all these ponies, you're too close
You just can't be a dragon here
Good job, my boy! But this is still just the beginning!
Each and every dragon has a swagger all his own
Watch and I'll show you what I mean
You can't move like this with so much stuff to weigh you down
A dragon always keeps it lean
Lose this! This! Ooh, this is nice!
Your life is soft, your scales are coiffed
These pillows, beds, and sheets are washed
A delight, but it's just not right what's underneath
Every dragon must be free
Look at you, then look at me
Since when do dragons brush their teeth?
Ha! Please!
Sure, this place is grandiose
But to a dragon, it's just gross
Time we make the lot all disappear
Spike: What do I do?
Just grab it all and give to me
After that, then you'll be free
You just can't be a dragon heeeeere!
Spike: Ha! You're right! I feel better already!
Sludge: See? What did I tell you? You're very lucky that I found you. Now, go get me some more.
Spike: You got it! I'm gonna go get you all the cushy pony stuff I've got... Dad.
Sludge: Great! Go get 'em... son!
'Cause this dragon just can't wait to live here
[sinister laughter]
[knocking on door]
[door opens]
Twilight Sparkle: Spike? I just thought I'd check to see if you and Sludge had any luck turning up your dragonishness. It's hard not to feel like somehow I let you down all these years.
Sludge: [grunting]
Twilight Sparkle: Oh! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to barge in on ya!
Sludge: [grunts, sighs] Ah, don't worry about it. Mi castle es su castle.
Twilight Sparkle: Right. Well, I'll just get out of your way.
[door closes]
Twilight Sparkle: Oh! Spike! I'm so sorry. My morning is not going well. What is all this? Why'd you leave the castle so early?
Spike: I didn't leave. I spent the night outdoors to get in touch with my dragon side.
Twilight Sparkle: Outdoors?
Spike: Yeah! And Sludge asked me to bring him the best breakfast Ponyville has to offer so he can show me how a real dragon would eat it. See you later!
[door closes]
[doors open]
Twilight Sparkle: ...And that's why I thought we could use the map to—
Spike: Hey, gang! Dad was just showing me how a real dragon would act in a throne room.
Sludge: Dragons like to sprawl when they get their claws done. [blows] Now, if you'll all excuse me, it's time for my bath.
Spike: [sighs] Isn't he the best?
Rarity: I'm not sure that's exactly the word I would use.
Sludge: Uh, Spike? The bath isn't gonna fill itself, son.
Spike: Be right there... Dad.
Twilight Sparkle: I'm glad you're not spending the night outside again.
Spike: Oh, I am. I'm just looking for a good bedtime story to read to my dad first.
Twilight Sparkle: It's nice that you have somepony to show you dragon culture. But are you sure that's what Sludge is doing?
Spike: What do you mean?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, taking over your room, making a mess of things...
Spike: [scoffs] That is dragon culture.
Twilight Sparkle: You never acted like that.
Spike: That's because you raised me. Now I finally have a chance to see how I'm supposed to be.
Twilight Sparkle: I don't think you're supposed to be any different than who you are.
Spike: Maybe you just don't like that I have a real parent now.
Twilight Sparkle: That's not true! I'm glad Sludge is here. I-I just wish he wasn't such a—
Spike: Dragon? Of all ponies, I can't believe you would have a problem with that.
Twilight Sparkle: [sighs]
[bushes rustling]
Smolder: What happened to you?
Spike: Just sleeping outside like we're meant to. It's not like dragons are supposed to live in castles.
Smolder: I... guess not. But I live in the school. Nothing says we have to live outside.
Spike: [sighs] I'm so confused. It's been great having Sludge show me how to be a real dragon, but Twilight just doesn't get it.
Smolder: What do you mean?
Spike: She can't handle how good at being a dragon Sludge is. Maybe someday, I'll be able to lay around doing nothing as well as he does.
Smolder: What?
Spike: Well, not now, of course. I'm too busy bringing him pony stuff so he can show me what a dragon would do with it.
Smolder: So, Sludge just lays around while you wait on him claw and tail? Uh, dragons are rude and rebellious, but they aren't lazy lumps who take advantage of their kids.
Spike: Huh. Now I'm really confused.
Smolder: Me, too. Why don't you tell me everything Sludge said about being a dragon?
[door opens]
Sludge: [chewing noisily] Hey! What's going on, son?
Spike: Twilight doesn't like having real dragons in the castle, so I told her we're moving out.
Sludge: [coughs] You what?!
Smolder: Spike! I found the perfect cave where you two can live! There aren't even any comfortable rocks inside!
Spike: That does sound perfect!
Sludge: No, it doesn't! I-I-I mean, uh, I'm not sure I fully demonstrated all the ways a dragon would live here.
Spike: But we're not gonna live here anymore, so it doesn't matter.
Sludge: It matters to me! [stammers] I want to make sure you have all the knowledge you need.
Spike: But I do. Dad, you've already shared so much.
[singing] This bed is much too soft
Just take that silk robe off
We can't be dragons living here
Sludge and Spike: [straining]
Sludge: Stop! I'm not your father!
Spike: What?
Sludge: I just said that to get in on this sweet castle life.
Spike: So... you... pretended to be my dad?
Sludge: Now-now-now-now-now, don't look at me like that, kid. I did what any dragon would do.
Smolder: No. You didn't.
Sludge: Hey. I saw an opportunity, and I took it. That's what dragons do.
Smolder: No. It isn't.
Sludge: You know what? I don't need this. I'm out of here! Enjoy lovin' pony town!
Spike: [sighs]
Sludge: I'm taking this pillow.
Spike: I can't believe I thought somepony like that could show me how to be anything.
Smolder: Uh... it must be hard growing up not really knowing who you are.
Spike: That's the thing. I know exactly who I am. And how I got that way.
[door opens]
Spike: Um, Twilight?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh. Hi. Where's your father?
Spike: He's gone. Turns out he wasn't what a real dragon should be after all. He also wasn't my real dad.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, Spike. I'm so sorry.
Spike: I'm the one who's sorry. You were just worried about me, and I lost my temper. Sludge was just a great big phony.
Twilight Sparkle: I have to say, I'm not surprised. There's no way a dragon like that was related to you. But if you still want to search for your real family, I'd understand if you spent more time in the Dragon Lands.
Spike: I don't think so. I already know who my real family is.
Twilight Sparkle: Aww! It's me, right?
Spike: Mm-hmm! Besides, there's no way I'm living without pillows.