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Episode Frenemies
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Cozy Glow: [clears throat] I don't want to tattle on my good friend Tirek, but... you might like to know he left food out. Again.
Grogar: I'll deal with it when I'm done.
Lord Tirek: Don't trust anything that nosy little Pegasus says!
Grogar: I don't trust anything any of you say.
Lord Tirek: Hmph!
Queen Chrysalis: Are you planning on attacking anypony anytime soon? If not, I don't know why I'm wasting my time here. I am a queen, you know?
Grogar: [snorts] I'm leaving, since it's impossible to accomplish the work I need to do here. I suggest the three of you come to some kind of accord.
Cozy Glow, Lord Tirek, and Queen Chrysalis: [arguing]
[magic zap]
Cozy Glow, Lord Tirek, and Queen Chrysalis: [muffled]
Grogar: I don't care how, but you must learn to work together! Only then can we accomplish what you so greatly desire – the defeat of Twilight Sparkle and her friends!
[theme song]
Cozy Glow: Nothing says "teamwork" like an inspirational banner. When Grogar sees this, he'll realize there's no way he could survive without me!
Lord Tirek: [grunting]
Cozy Glow: You're gonna have to exercise a lot to get as big as you were when you absorbed the life force of all those ponies. Anywho, Grogar wants us all to work together, so I've scheduled a team meeting. Doesn't that sound fun? And since Grogar left me in charge...
Lord Tirek: No, he didn't.
Cozy Glow: [giggles] Someone's a real grumpy-taur today. If we aren't meeting, I guess I could just stay and offer positive and inspiring—
Lord Tirek: Fine! I'll join your meeting. Just leave!
Cozy Glow: See you soon!
Queen Chrysalis: It's been weeks, and Grogar's done nothing! It's not healthy to hold on to all of this rage! I could lash out at any moment.
Cozy Glow: And how are you doing this fine—?
Queen Chrysalis: How do you think I'm doing?! I'm ready to exact my revenge! [to hunk of wood] See what I mean?
Cozy Glow: Being cooped up with nothing to do is the worst! You know what you need? A team meeting!
Queen Chrysalis: I don't do meetings.
Cozy Glow: Grogar left me in charge.
Queen Chrysalis: No, he didn't. And even if he did, Chrysalis obeys no one.
Cozy Glow: [singsongy] There'll be cupcakes.
Cozy Glow: Grogar wants us to work together to defeat our enemies. Which means we need to trust each other.
Queen Chrysalis: [chewing] If we are to trust one another, perhaps inform Lord Tirek to stop trying to absorb my essence!
Lord Tirek: [spits] I wasn't doing anything of the sort! How dare you!
Queen Chrysalis: How dare I?! Do you know to whom you are speaking?
Lord Tirek: How could I not? You tell your log every five minutes.
Cozy Glow: This is why Grogar left me in charge.
Lord Tirek and Queen Chrysalis: no! he! didn't!
Cozy Glow: [growls] Huh?
[Cozy Glow]
I think I know a way that we can grow
Time to try something new, something better
No more solo, trust is the way to go
And all we need to do is work together
Lord Tirek: Ah, please!
No thanks, no way, I feel the need to say
I'm smarter, stronger, and I don't need you two
Queen Chrysalis: Ha!
Stronger? Okay, I guess we'll downplay
How bad you got your rear end handed to you
[Cozy Glow]
It's time to try a better way to be bad
Lord Tirek: [groans]
[Lord Tirek and Queen Chrysalis]
Do we really need a better way to be bad?
[Cozy Glow]
United as one
[Queen Chrysalis]
Teamwork? Please, what a fad
[Cozy Glow]
Combine all our strength, we'll go to any length
Once we have a better way to be bad
Let's go begin, this time we're gonna win
[Queen Chrysalis]
The ice you're on is thin, so watch what you say
[Cozy Glow]
I know you're in, I think I see a grin
[Lord Tirek]
For all this pain and torture, I swear you'll pay
[Cozy Glow]
This time, we've got a better way to be bad
[Lord Tirek and Queen Chrysalis]
Sounds like a long shot, this "better way" to be bad
[Cozy Glow]
United as one, we'll make those ponies so sad
[Lord Tirek]
If we say "okay", would you just go away?
[Cozy Glow]
Once we have a better way to be bad
We want to break their friendship
We want to make them weak
You want revenge on Starlight
You want that huge physique
So let's increase our chances
By working as a team
To crush our enemies to dust
And laugh as they all scream!
All: [laughing evilly]
[Lord Tirek]
I think I see a better way to be bad
[Queen Chrysalis]
Just put me in charge, make me queen, you'll be glad
[Cozy Glow]
No! Listen to me, I'm the best of us three
Then you'll see a better way to be bad
[tempo increases]
Cozy Glow: Wait!
This is my thing, a better way to be bad
[Queen Chrysalis]
You shall do as I command, I will rule this triad!
[Cozy Glow]
Hey! This is my song!
[Lord Tirek and Queen Chrysalis]
Sorry, not any longer!
A better way to be bad
[Cozy Glow]
Now you're making me mad
[Lord Tirek]
Won't the ponies be sad?
[Queen Chrysalis]
That would make me so glad
Now we've got a better way to be baaaaaad!
Cozy Glow: Hey! You stepped on my cue!
Queen Chrysalis: Well, I did not! You stepped on our cue!
Lord Tirek: Ah, your rhythm was way off!
Cozy Glow: Oh, you think you're so cool just 'cause you're a queen!
Grogar: Enough! I had hoped by now you would've resolved your differences, but apparently not.
Queen Chrysalis: Perhaps if we knew what the plan was, we would be better able to prepare!
Lord Tirek: Assuming you even have a plan.
Grogar: Of course I have a plan! I have located an object of power, and it occurs to me this is the perfect test. The three of you will work together to retrieve it. Against this item, those ponies won't stand a chance.
Queen Chrysalis: I have come close to ruling Equestria several times. Perhaps I should be the one to lead us.
Cozy Glow: I nearly drained all the magic from Equestria! That was good!
Lord Tirek: I absorbed all the magic of Equestria! I could feel it flowing through my body as I grew!
Cozy Glow, Lord Tirek, and Queen Chrysalis: [arguing]
[magic zap]
Cozy Glow, Lord Tirek, and Queen Chrysalis: [grunt]
Grogar: Each of you failed to defeat Twilight Sparkle and her friends! My power is greater than all of yours combined. This is but a fraction of it! Understood?!
Cozy Glow, Lord Tirek, and Queen Chrysalis: [various assenting, grunt]
Grogar: Now you shall retrieve the rest of it.
Grogar: [narrating] Thousands of moons ago, the self-righteous Gusty the Great, unable to best me face-to-face, stole my Bewitching Bell. A talisman containing much of my own magic. The Bell cannot be destroyed, so Gusty hid it in a place it has taken me millennia to discover – an enchanted cave high atop Mt. Everhoof, protected by magical winds that prevent anypony from reaching its peak. There, the Bell has remained until now.
Grogar: Scale Mt. Everhoof. Bring me back my Bell.
Queen Chrysalis: [laughs] The ease of this task is laughable.
[bird screeches]
Queen Chrysalis: Well, it sounded easy.
[bird screeches]
Lord Tirek: Scale the mountain...
Queen Chrysalis: ...retrieve Grogar's Bell...
Cozy Glow: ...together! I drew up a detailed plan with several visual aids to show how we can... ditch each other and do it alone. Maybe when I'm waiting for them at the top, then they'll appreciate me.
[wind whistling]
Queen Chrysalis: [hisses]
Queen Chrysalis: As if anything on this mountain is scarier than I. [chuckles]
Lord Tirek: [blows]
Lord Tirek: [coughs, spits]
[wind whistling]
[door opens, closes]
Rusty Bucket: Halt! Who goes there? A pony? There ain't been ponies around here in I-don't-know-how-many moons!
Cozy Glow: [whimpering] Oh, golly, good sir. I'm just a poor lost pony looking for help.
Rusty Bucket: Aw, don't fret, little filly. Ol' Rusty Bucket here, at your service.
Cozy Glow: I'm so glad I found you. I need help getting to the top of the mountain.
Rusty Bucket: Uh, no can do, ma'am.
Cozy Glow: Why not?!
Rusty Bucket: [lowered] Shhh! Not so loud! This here's avalanche territory. I'm the guardian of this here mountain. It's my job to keep ponies from heading up. Nothing at the top but dangerous snow, dangerous ice, and dangerous wind. Basically, it's dangerous.
Cozy Glow: It must get lonely all by yourself. Maybe I could be your friend?
Rusty Bucket: Aw. I'd love a friend.
Cozy Glow: So, now that we are friends, you could help me up the mountain.
Rusty Bucket: Hmm, uh... a real friend wouldn't ask me to do something I'm not supposed to do. Says so right here in the Journal of Friendship, written by Twilight Sparkle and her friends.
Cozy Glow: are. you. kidding me?! [echoing]
[birds chirping]
Rusty Bucket: Shhhh!
Cozy Glow: I didn't want to be friends anyway.
Rusty Bucket: Awww...
[slipping sounds]
[transformation noise]
[transformation noise]
[transformation noise]
Queen Chrysalis: Almost there.
[leaves rustling]
[wind whistling]
[snow crunching]
Rusty Bucket: Nope. Not that way neither.
Rusty Bucket: [yawns]
Cozy Glow: I tried being nice!
Rusty Bucket: Shh-shh-shh! Now, just calm down there, filly.
Cozy Glow: You calm down! Ponies are supposed to do [echoing] what I ask them to do! It's, like, my thing! Okay?!
Cozy Glow: [screams, fades]
Rusty Bucket: Meh.
[door opens, closes]
[wind whistling]
Queen Chrysalis: Apparently I don't need anypony else.
[transformation noise]
[clawing noises]
Queen Chrysalis: [grunts]
[transformation noise]
Queen Chrysalis: [groans] Agh!
[leaves rustling]
Cozy Glow: [panting]
Lord Tirek: [laughing]
Cozy Glow: It's not funny, Tirek!
Lord Tirek: Didn't make it to the top? Surprise, surprise.
Cozy Glow: You didn't make it to the top either.
Lord Tirek: I didn't try to.
Cozy Glow: What?!
Lord Tirek: It took about five minutes to deduce that Grogar was right. None of us could make it up alone. So, rather than subject myself to the elements, I decided to let you two face the danger, take what you learned, and use it to my advantage. [laughs]
Cozy Glow: I put up with your "I'm smarter than you" attitude in Tartarus! But I'm over it!
Lord Tirek: I'd had enough of you trying to manipulate me with that insincere, syrupy sweetness. At least now we can see the real you.
Cozy Glow: This is not the real me! I'm cute and lovable!
Lord Tirek: [scoffs] No, you're not. You're annoying, and you snore.
Cozy Glow: I do not snore!
Lord Tirek: [mock-snoring]
Cozy Glow: At least I don't talk to my Gram-Gram in my sleep.
Lord Tirek: Don't you dare bring Gram-Gram into this!
[Ophiotaurus roars]
Cozy Glow and Lord Tirek: This is your fault!
[Ophiotaurus roars]
Queen Chrysalis: [roars]
[Ophiotaurus grunts softly]
Cozy Glow: Quick! It's distracted! Let's go!
Lord Tirek: Wait.
Queen Chrysalis: [roars]
[transformation noise]
[magic sounds]
Queen Chrysalis: [slurps]
Queen Chrysalis: Mmmm... So much love. I haven't eaten this well in ages.
Cozy Glow: [gags] So gross.
Queen Chrysalis: Just so we're clear, I didn't save you because I like you. I did it because... because I...
Cozy Glow: Neeeeeeed us?
Queen Chrysalis: [gritted] Yes.
Lord Tirek: Clearly I was right to wait. Now tell me everything you learned today. Leave nothing out.
Cozy Glow: Why are you doing that? Didn't you already drain it of love?
Queen Chrysalis: I always save a little for the next day.
Cozy Glow: You cocoon all of your... meals?
Queen Chrysalis: Of course.
Cozy Glow: So when you pony-napped Twilight and the others, you cocooned them.
Queen Chrysalis: Yes. Until that sow Starlight Glimmer freed them, corrupted my subjects, and stole my hive!
Lord Tirek: Those ponies have weaknesses. I used that turncoat Discord. Tricked him into helping me capture his so-called "friends".
Queen Chrysalis: [sighs] Discord was really something until friendship ruined him.
Lord Tirek: You should've seen Twilight's face when her friends appeared in bubbles around me. She was all... [exaggerated groaning]
Cozy Glow and Queen Chrysalis: [laughing]
Cozy Glow: She's so stressed out all the time.
Queen Chrysalis: When I posed as her former foal-sitter, I thought she was going to implode!
Cozy Glow, Lord Tirek, and Queen Chrysalis: [laughing]
Cozy Glow: I wish I could've seen her face when I nearly erased all the magic from Equestria.
Lord Tirek: All magic was a little excessive, don't you think?
Cozy Glow: Eh, I think big. Besides, it would've been worth it just to see Twilight and her friends bow down to me!
Lord Tirek: Indeed it would. Who wouldn't love to see those prissy ponies realize they lost everything?
[transformation noise]
Queen Chrysalis: I'm a pathetic pony princess! I made a detailed list of all the ways I'm a failure!
Cozy Glow and Lord Tirek: [laughing]
Lord Tirek: You know, working with you two may not be the worst thing.
Queen Chrysalis: Perhaps... as long as it results in the complete destruction of our enemies.
Cozy Glow: I wouldn't have it any other way. Do the pathetic princess thing again!
[transformation noise]
Cozy Glow and Lord Tirek: [laughing]
[door opens, closes]
[transformation noise]
Queen Chrysalis: [roars]
Cozy Glow, Lord Tirek, and Queen Chrysalis: [laughing]
Rusty Bucket: I'm okay!
[transformation noise]
Queen Chrysalis: [growls]
[wind whistling]
[transformation noise]
[wings flapping]
[transformation noise]
[transformation noise]
Queen Chrysalis: Aah!
Lord Tirek: [pained groan]
Cozy Glow: Can you absorb it and make it go away?
Lord Tirek: I can only absorb magic from living beings.
Cozy Glow: Like her?
Queen Chrysalis: Betrayal!
Cozy Glow: Not betrayal. Teamwork. If Tirek absorbs your energy, he might be strong enough to break through.
Queen Chrysalis: And then?
Cozy Glow: Then... he gives it back.
Lord Tirek: I do?
Cozy Glow: Mm-hmm.
Queen Chrysalis: How do I know you won't take my magic and leave me?
Cozy Glow: Would we do that to you? Okay, normally, yes, we would.
Lord Tirek: I'll give you your magic back.
Queen Chrysalis: Do it.
[magic sounds]
Queen Chrysalis: [groaning]
Lord Tirek: So... much... power! [kisses] Welcome back, baby!
[magic sounds]
Lord Tirek: It's not big enough for me!
Cozy Glow: Maybe not you! Keep it open, or I'll be trapped forever!
Queen Chrysalis: Would that be so terrible?
Lord Tirek: [chuckles, grunts] Can't... hold... much... longer! Hurry!
Cozy Glow: Ta-da!
Queen Chrysalis: My magic...
[magic sounds]
Queen Chrysalis: I-I wasn't sure you were going to give it back.
Lord Tirek: Neither was I. But working together seemed smarter than to continue fighting.
Cozy Glow: When we helped each other, it felt better somehow.
Queen Chrysalis: I haven't felt like this since before I lost my hive. Having others who will be there for you is... pleasing.
Lord Tirek: All of these years taking power from ponies...
Cozy Glow: When you use your power to help others...
Queen Chrysalis: Yes, it feels... nooooooooo!
Cozy Glow and Lord Tirek: Whoa!
Queen Chrysalis: The Magic of Friendship is like a disease! An infection that spreads to those around you! I watched it infect my hive! I will not let it get me!
Cozy Glow: Same.
Lord Tirek: Obviously.
Cozy Glow: But... Grogar said we have to work together.
Queen Chrysalis: Grogar is too powerful. Something must be done about that. Let Grogar think we're his loyal servants. In the meantime, we'll hatch our own plan.
Cozy Glow: Ooh... I love a good backstabbing!
Lord Tirek: After that, we can go back to trying to destroy each other!
Cozy Glow: In the meantime, what do we do with this?
Grogar: You failed to retrieve the Bell?!
[loud thud]
Cozy Glow: W-W-We're sorry, almighty Grogar.
Lord Tirek: We worked together as you asked.
Queen Chrysalis: We just aren't as powerful as you.
Grogar: [angry shout]
[magic zap]
Grogar: Obviously! At least you finally did as you were told and worked together.
Cozy Glow: Of course!
Lord Tirek: Whatever you command!
Queen Chrysalis: Forget about that old bell. You were right. We're so much more powerful... when we work as a team.