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Episode Ponyville Confidential
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[bell rings]
[foals chattering]
Sweetie Belle: Can you believe Featherweight got his cutie mark? Featherweight! Before us!
[foals cheering]
Snips: Great cutie mark, Featherweight!
Snails: [chuckles] Looking good!
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle: [sigh]
Sweetie Belle: I give up...
Apple Bloom: I've got it! The answer to all our problems!
Sweetie Belle: The Foal Free Press? How's the school paper gonna get us our cutie marks?
Apple Bloom: [takes deep breath]
Granny Smith: Move your caboose!
Apple Bloom: Uh-oh. That's Granny Smith. Gotta run!
Scootaloo: Maybe there's something to this newspaper idea.
Sweetie Belle: Guess it's worth a shot...
[paper ripping]
Sweetie Belle: Apple Bloom. Your newspaper idea was nothing but a big bust.
Scootaloo: We tried everything, from papier-mâché to making birds' nests, and nothing worked.
Apple Bloom: [laughs]
Sweetie Belle: What's so funny?
Apple Bloom: What I meant was, we should write for the paper! We can get our cutie marks as journalists!
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle: [groan]
[theme song]
Cheerilee: Okay, class, see you tomorrow! Oh, for those of you who want to join the newspaper staff, stay here, because we're meeting right now!
Apple Bloom: Cutie marks in journalism!
Scootaloo: Such a good idea.
Cheerilee: Welcome, everypony. Now, as you know, our editor-in-chief graduated last year–
Sweetie Belle: Oh, oh, oh, ohohohoh!
Cheerilee: Yes?
Sweetie Belle: What's an editor-in-chief?
Cheerilee: Good question, Sweetie Belle. I like those reporter's instincts. The Foal Free Press is a student-run paper. I'm only involved as an adviser, so the editor-in-chief is the pony in charge, from choosing the stories to making sure it gets to press on time. Now, as I said, we have a new editor this year!
[door opens]
Students: Diamond Tiara?!
Diamond Tiara: Hm.
Cheerilee: I'll leave you alone now to discuss everypony's assignments. Have fun!
[door closes]
Diamond Tiara: Alright, listen up. The Foal Free Press is a joke.
Students: Huh?
Diamond Tiara: Nopony at this school takes it seriously. Well I, the editor-in-chief in charge, am going to deliver us to newfound glory!
Truffle: Yay!
Diamond Tiara: First things first. Where's the staff photographer? Get out there and document everything. I'll decide what's important.
[door closes]
Diamond Tiara: The rest of you, I want hard-hitting news and interesting think pieces. No more Namby-Pamby stories like last year's editor.
"Ruby Pinch": But Namby-Pamby was a great editor.
Diamond Tiara: Well, there's a new regime now, and I want juicy stories. The juicier, the better! Now get out there and report!
Scootaloo: Let's get out of here, girls. Maybe we can try packing boxes again.
Sweetie Belle: But this could be our last chance to earn our cutie marks! If we really are supposed to be journalists, isn't it worth a little grief?
Scootaloo: I guess you're right. We can take a little bit of Diamond Tiara for a lifetime of cutie marks.
Sweetie Belle: C'mon! Let's go get these marks!
Sweetie Belle: [voiceover] My first story's going to be an exclusive interview.
Scootaloo: [voiceover] I saw a brand new nest of baby birds the other day. I bet our readers would eat up a sweet story like that!
[birds laughing]
Apple Bloom: [voiceover] Granny Smith has all sorts of great stories! I reckon I'll do a piece on the history of Ponyville.
[typewriter clicking]
[ink squirting]
Diamond Tiara: I hope you've got something, because everything so far is unusable. "Baby Birds Born"? "Rarity's Hot New Hat"? "Ponyville: The Early Years"!? Oh! I don't know what you call this, but it sure isn't news!
Sweetie Belle: We just... thought...
Diamond Tiara: Get something else on my desk by the end of the day, and it better be juicy!
Scootaloo: Now what? Do you know what I had to do to get that story?
Apple Bloom: Oh, you don't even wanna know what I had to sit through.
[camera snapping]
Snips: Oh! Get it off me, Snails!
Snails: Eh, you get it off me, Snips?
Snips: Aah! Stop it! You are making it worse! Nah! Oh, great.
Snails: I'll get it. [grunt]
Snips: Aah!
Snails: Get it off! Get it off!
Sweetie Belle: [giggles] Hey, Featherweight, c'mere! [giggles] Take a few pictures of this, then meet me during lunch. Girls, I have our story.
[paper spinning noise]
"Noi": "Snips and Snails in Bubblegum Veils! And that's when the biggest jokester in school really stuck his hoof in it – literally!"
"Green Daze": The Foal Free Press is usually just boring news and stuff.
Cotton Cloudy: So funny!
Snips: Our mothers always told us we'd end up in the papers someday.
Snails: Yeah, and look! We finally got the gum out! [laughs]
Diamond Tiara: Your column is a sensation! I don't want you doing news anymore. I want more columns like this. Columns about ponies and their private lives, the things they do when they think they're alone. You three are my new gossip columnists! And I love the way you signed it! "Gabby Gums"... [sigh] That was a stroke of genius!
Sweetie Belle: We couldn't fit all of our names, so we decided to create one for all three of us.
Diamond Tiara: Well, I want more Gabby Gums! Nice work, girls.
Scootaloo: But we sure seem to have a gift for gossip.
Sweetie Belle: If we can write a few more of these Gabby Gums columns, we'll earn our cutie marks for sure!
Cutie Mark Crusaders: Woo-hoo!
Sweetie Belle: Scootaloo? Do you have anything?
Scootaloo: Nope.
Sweetie Belle: Apple Bloom?
Apple Bloom: [sighs] Sorry.
Scootaloo: Let's face it, nothing very juicy happens at this school.
Snips and Snails: [grunts]
Sweetie Belle: We're doomed.
Rarity: Ohh, Sweetie Belle... Was she raised in a barn or something? [gasps] Oh, you really shouldn't be snooping, Rarity... Oh, but it's so much fun, Rarity. Hello... what's this? [giggles] Gum on their bum! [laughs] Too rich!
Sweetie Belle: Can you please keep it down with all the laughter? I'm trying to– hey!
Rarity: Bleh! I, I was just–
Sweetie Belle: Are you snooping through my saddlebag?
Sweetie Belle: How dare you!
Rarity: Oh, but this Gabby Gums column is so funny!
Sweetie Belle: You actually like the school paper?
Rarity: It's so much juicier than anything in the boring old Ponyville Express. Could I borrow this to show my friends?
Sweetie Belle: Your friends would wanna read the Foal Free Press?
Rarity: Oh, they'd just love Gabby Gums! Who is she, anyway? I've never heard of her before. Is she a new–
Sweetie Belle: We gave up too quickly, girls. Forget trying to squeeze stories out of this school. We need to expand!
[camera snapping]
Apple Bloom: We can find all kinds of great gossip out there in Ponyville!
Sweetie Belle: We'll need to tell Featherweight to start working overtime.
Scootaloo: Sweetie Belle, you're a genius!
Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake: [screaming and crying]
Diamond Tiara: "Pound and Pumpkin Cake Trip to the Store Ends in Tears." Gabby Gums comes through again!
Truffle: [panting] The Ponyville news stand wants to carry the Foal Free Press! Ponies keep coming by and asking for it!
Diamond Tiara: Send 'em twenty copies, and if they run out of those, we'll send 'em twenty more! You three are doing a great job for this paper. Keep those columns coming!
Scootaloo: This is great!
[typewriters clicking]
[ink splashing]
Rarity: Oh, this is the life, isn't it, girls? The best hooficure I've ever had!
Applejack: [voice vibrating] You said it, ooh...
Spike: [sighs] I don't know if I've ever been so relaxed.
Rainbow Dash: You guys!
Spike: Aaah!
Rainbow Dash: The new Gabby Gums just came out! "The Great and Powerful Trixie's Secrets Revealed!"
Rarity: We already read that one, Rainbow Dash. Come on, relax, have a hooficure, it feels amazing.
Rainbow Dash: [swallows] Did you forget who you're talking to? The day I get a hooficure is the day I turn in my daredevil license. Besides, I haven't read this Gabby Gums yet.
Spike: Well, do it quietly, will ya? [sigh] Some of us are trying to unwind!
Twilight Sparkle: I like Gabby Gums too, but don't you think she can be a little mean?
Applejack: She's not mean, Twilight, she's a hoot!
Twilight Sparkle: "Celestia Just Like Us"? Gabby Gums doesn't value anypony's privacy.
Rarity: Oh, lighten up, Twilight, it's nothing but harmless gossip!
Pinkie Pie: Yeah, Twilight, I mean listen to this one. "Mayor Not Naturally Gray!" The Mayor in a mane dyeing scandal? Who wouldn't wanna read that?
Twilight Sparkle: I just can't help feeling sorry for the ponies featured in her columns. It's gotta be a little embarrassing.
Rainbow Dash: Are you kidding? Do you know how awesome it is to get your name in the paper?
Rarity: Rainbow, why don't you join me in one of these delicious hooficures?
Rainbow Dash: It's that good, huh? Well, maybe just one little hoof.
Rainbow Dash: [yelps] Forget it, I don't like ponies touching my hooves. Man... I'd love it if Gabby Gums did a story on me.
Spike: She did one on me.
Main cast: What?!
Spike: Aaaah!
Apple Bloom: "Exclusive! Local Dragon Tells All! Spike opens up about Canterlot, naps, and his favorite jams!"
Scootaloo: It's our best column yet!
Diamond Tiara: More like your worst column yet! Gabby Gums didn't become the biggest thing in Ponyville with namby-pamby stories like this!
Apple Bloom: [sighs] Yeah, she's right. This column is a little softer than our usual gossip.
Sweetie Belle: Were you guys feeling guilty about all the gossip too? Like... maybe we could be hurting other ponies' feelings?
Apple Bloom: Yeah, I didn't wanna say anything because everypony loves Gabby Gums so much, but... I was sorta hoping we could start writing more stories like this one.
Scootaloo: Me too.
Sweetie Belle: If we're gonna get our cutie marks, we've got to give the ponies what they want.
Cutie Mark Crusaders: Awww...
[paper spinning noise]
Applejack: "Applejack Asleep on the Job!" Can y'all believe this?! And this one: "Big McIntosh – What's He Hiding?" Who the hay does this Gabby Gums think she is?!
Twilight Sparkle: Listen to this one. "Twilight Sparkle: I Was a Canterlot Snob. A well-placed scaly source close to the prissy pony says Twilight Sparkle thinks Ponyville is nothing but muddy roads and low-class rubes." Spike!
Spike: [yelps and belches]
Twilight Sparkle: How could you say such a thing?
Spike: Well, I didn't! Gabby Gums made that up! I never said anything like that!
Rarity: Everypony, please! She's just a harmless schoolpony engaged in a little harmless gossip. You're really making too big a deal out of this.
Twilight Sparkle: But it's all lies! Gabby Gums prints whatever she wants! She doesn't care whose reputation she destroys! "Fluttershy Has Tail Extensions!" "Pinkie Pie is an Out-of-Control Party Animal!"
Pinkie Pie: What?! It's true! I do have a problem! [crying]
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, look! According to this one, the Cakes are breaking up!
Mrs. Cake: We are?!
Rainbow Dash: [muffled] Well, my life is officially over. [normal] Gabby Gums has made it to Cloudsdale.
Twilight Sparkle: "Rainbow Dash: Speed Demon or Super Softie?"?!
Rainbow Dash: I grabbed as many copies as I could, but it was too late! [crying] I'm a laughing stock!
Twilight Sparkle: See, Rarity? Your so-called 'harmless gossip' can be very hurtful!
Rarity: Honestly, you ponies have no sense of humor. So she tweaks a few ponies every now and then, maybe they deser– [gasps] I'll destroy her! "The Drama-Queen Diaries"... She's reprinted my diary! How could Gabby Gums possibly get access to my private diary?!
Twilight Sparkle: We've got to put a stop to this once and for all! Sweetie Belle's on the newspaper staff. Maybe she knows who Gabby Gums is.
Rarity: [gasps] My sister would never associate with anyone as beastly as Gabby Gums! I resent you even suggesting such a thing, Twilight! Why, she's the most innocent, most lovely–
Rarity: –most evil pony in Equestria! How could my own sister steal my private diary? How could my own sister be... Gabby Gums?
Rarity: Et tu, Gabby Gums?!
Sweetie Belle: [gasps] You know?! How'd you find out?!
Rarity: The gilded pages of your betrayal!
Sweetie Belle: Oh, yeah.
Rarity: How could you do this to me?! You stole my secret diary and published it for all the world to read! Gossip can be a very hurtful thing. It is an invasion of privacy, just like when I snooped through your saddlebag. You didn't like that much, did you?
Sweetie Belle: No...
Rarity: What is important is that you understand how your column makes the ponies that you're writing about feel!
Sweetie Belle: I do understand, and we've all been feeling guilty, but we just want our cutie marks so badly!
Rarity: Do you really think that writing nasty things and making everypony feel horrible is your destiny?
Sweetie Belle: Well, when you put it that way...
Diamond Tiara: No! I won't let you quit!
Sweetie Belle: But the gossip we've been printing is hurting everypony's feelings!
Diamond Tiara: Feelings?! I don't care about feelings! Gabby Gums is my bread and butter, and I'm not gonna let you goody-two-horseshoes take that away from me!
Sweetie Belle: We're sorry, Diamond Tiara, but we've made our decision.
Scootaloo: Yeah, you can't force us to keep gossiping.
Diamond Tiara: When you see these... you may not want to quit after all.
Cutie Mark Crusaders: [gasp]
[camera snapping]
Diamond Tiara: I told Featherweight to document everything...
[camera snapping]
Diamond Tiara: ...And that's exactly what he did.
Scootaloo: [gasps] Gimme those!
Diamond Tiara: Sorry, girls, property of the Foal Free Press. And if Gabby Gums really does go into retirement, I'll need something to fill that empty column space. Now get out there and bring me more Gabby Gums!
Sweetie Belle: We'll find a way out of this, girls.
Scootaloo: Maybe Rainbow Dash will have a story for us. She's always good for some gossip.
Apple Bloom: Rainbow Dash! Hey, Rainbow Dash!
Rainbow Dash: Well, if it isn't Gabby Gums!
Sweetie Belle: You heard too, huh?
Rainbow Dash: Are you kidding? Everypony in town knows it's you three.
Scootaloo: Don't suppose you'd let us write a column on you, huh?
Rainbow Dash: [grunts]
[rain falling]
Fluttershy: [muffled crying]
Sweetie Belle: Oh, hi, Angel. Is Fluttershy home?
[door slams]
Scootaloo: [muffled] Hey, what gives?
Spike: A-ha! [muffled] Twilight thought you might try to show your faces around here, so she put up a force field.
Apple Bloom: Aw, c'mon, Applejack! You're not mad at us too, are you?
Applejack: Eeyup.
Apple Bloom: You're not even gonna talk to us?
Applejack: Nnope.
Big McIntosh: You should be ashamed of yourself, humiliatin' your sister 'n' me like that. We don't wanna talk to any o' y'all right now so take your little gossip column and your embarrassing photographs and just go away!
[doors and windows slam]
Sweetie Belle: We've ruined all of our friendships and we still don't have our cutie marks!
Apple Bloom: This is the worst day ever!
Scootaloo: Oh yeah? Wait 'til tomorrow, our most embarrassing moments are about to be published for everypony to laugh at.
Apple Bloom: So what do we do?
Sweetie Belle: I don't know, but we're not leaving this clubhouse until we think of something!
[birds singing]
Diamond Tiara: That's it, Gabby Gums is out of time. Run these instead. I want this paper on every street corner in Ponyville!
"Shady Daze": Yes, ma'am!
[door opens]
Sweetie Belle: Stop the presses!
"Shady Daze": Uh... they haven't started yet.
Scootaloo: We have a Gabby Gums column!
Diamond Tiara: Hmph, you're lucky I'm nice.
[typewriters clicking]
Diamond Tiara: This better not happen again, or else.
Diamond Tiara: [sighs] Well done, Diamond Tiara. You've averted yet another crisis with your amazing diplomatic skills. [gasps] "An Open Letter to Ponyville by Gabby Gums"?! What is this?! Ooh, they're not gonna get away with this! I'll publish those photos tomorrow! They messed with the wrong pony!
Sweetie Belle: To the citizens of Ponyville,
For some time now, you've been reading this column to get the latest dirt and the hottest buzz. But this will be my final piece. We want to apologize for the pain and embarrassment we've caused.
Apple Bloom: Y'see, I'm actually three little fillies, Sweetie Belle, Apple Bloom, and Scootaloo.
Scootaloo: As the popularity of our column grew, we got swept up in the hype. We knew that what we were doing didn't feel quite right, but we ignored the guilt because everypony seemed to want to read what we were writing.
Sweetie Belle: From now on, we promise to respect everypony else's privacy, and we won't engage in hurtful gossip any more.
Apple Bloom: All we can do is ask for your forgiveness, Ponyville.
Signing off for the very last time,
XOXO, Gabby Gums
Cheerilee: Well, staff, I guess I gave a little too much authority to a first-time editor. I'm sorry, Diamond Tiara, I have to strip you of your title. [thunk]
Diamond Tiara: [growls]
Cheerilee: And for the next editor of the Foal Free Press...
Diamond Tiara: [blows raspberry]
Cheerilee:'s your new editor-in-chief, Featherweight!
Students: [cheering]
Diamond Tiara: Ugh! Him? But what about me?!
"Shady Daze": Here ya go! I've been promoted to staff photographer!
[camera snaps]
Cutie Mark Crusaders: [laughing]