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Episode Princess Spike
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[indistinct chatter]
Princess Luna: Welcome to the Grand Equestria Pony Summit!
[crowd cheering]
Princess Celestia: You delegates have traveled far and wide to represent your cities as we seek to celebrate and learn from all the unique places that make up our wonderful land of Equestria. At tonight's welcome reception, Princess Cadance will dedicate this beautiful friendship statue made up of gemstones from each of your home cities.
[crowd oohing and ahhing]
Spike: [licks lips]
Princess Celestia: Now I'd like to turn things over to the one who organized the summit: Princess Twilight Sparkle!
[crowd cheering]
Twilight Sparkle: [tired] Thank you, everypony. With delegates from over fifty cities attending three days of conferences, receptions, and meetings, this is the largest Grand Equestria Pony Summit yet. And let me tell you, putting it all together has led to more than one sleepless night. We're so excited to have you here and to learn more about life all across this great land of ours.
[crowd cheering]
Twilight Sparkle: And now my faithful assistant Spike would like to say a few words.
Spike: Um, hello, everypony! I'm here to help any way I can. So if there's anything I can do for any of you—
Neigh Sayer: We love you, Princess Twilight!
Delegate 2: We love all the princesses!
[crowd cheering]
Spike: [sighs] I guess everypony loves a princess. Hmph.
[theme song]
[door slamming]
Spike: Ugh!
Princess Cadance: Spike!
Princess Cadance: Spike?
Spike: [muffled] A little help?
Princess Cadance: Spike, we need you!
Spike: Of course! What can I do?
[door opens]
Spike: Whoa, what happened to you?
Twilight Sparkle: [groans] I'm sorry, Spike. I just... [yawns] ...need a quick... nap. Napkin! Tell the delegates I'll...
Princess Cadance: She's been awake three straight days preparing for the summit. We need to make sure she gets some rest today. She'll never be able to attend the welcome reception in this condition. Can I count on you to see to it that she isn't disturbed?
Spike: I promise! I won't let you down!
Twilight Sparkle: [snoring]
Spike: Perfect.
[bird singing]
Spike: Not on my watch.
[bird singing]
Spike: Uh, excuse me? Can you keep it down a little? Oh, no!
[door opens]
[bird singing]
Twilight Sparkle: [snoring]
Spike: I'll give you birdseed! Worms! Anything! Just please stop singing before you wake the princess!
Twilight Sparkle: [snoring]
Spike: Huh. I can't believe that worked.
[polo ponies shouting]
Twilight Sparkle: [groaning]
Spike: Hyah!
Polo ponies: [surprised noises]
Spike: [sighs] Uh, hi fellas. Sorry to break up your game, but there's sort of an important diplomatic summit kind of thingy going on, and it involves a princess needing to sleep, and, uh... maybe you could move your game somewhere else?
[chainsaw buzzing]
Spike: Uh, the princess thanks you for your understanding! Excuse me. Do you have to do this right now? [sneezes] Oh, no! Are those dragon-sneeze trees? [sniffles]
Horticultural Pegasus: Uh, these are too top-heavy. Wouldn't take much to bring these beauties down.
[trees creaking]
Spike: Can't you just wait a few hours?
Horticultural Pegasus: Sorry, it's a public hazard. I got my orders.
Spike: Well, I've got my orders too from Princess Twi... Twi... Twilight...! [sneezes]
Horticultural Pegasus: Princess Twilight? [laughs] Why didn't you say so? Gee, I reckon they'll keep a few more hours.
Spike: Huh. Good thing I've got the princesses on my side.
[jackhammer rattling]
Spike: [vibrating yelps] Aw, come on! Excuse me? [shouting] Excuse me, sir! I really need you to— [jackhammer stops] —stop right now! Oops.
Public Works Pony: [loudly] Lemme guess, the noise? Sorry, but we can't have a broken water main!
Spike: Ugh, you couldn't do this yesterday?!
Public Works Pony: [loudly] Hey, pal, I'm just tryin' to make sure everything runs smooth for the summit!
Spike: But there is no summit without Princess Twilight, and she needs things to be kept quiet around here. So if you don't mind, I'd—
Public Works Pony: [loudly] All right, all right, if that's how she wants it! [beat] [quickly] But if something happens, it ain't my fault!
Spike: Hmph! Princess Twilight will be rested, Princess Cadance will be proud, and Princess Spike deserves a little reward. Hah! Princess Spike. [laughs] [licks lips]
"Joe Pescolt" and "March Gustysnows": [arguing]
"Joe Pescolt": ...Oh, lemme tell you somethin', alright? I worked forever on this speech, and I know I have more—
Spike: Uh, hi. Can I help you?
"March Gustysnows": My friend here, the distinguished pony from up Manehattan, and I are in a bit of a pickle, and we need the Princess Twilight to resolve it.
Spike: Uh, can you talk a little quieter? And maybe come back later?
"March Gustysnows": Oh, sure now, gosh, I wish we could but, uh, we're both supposed to give speeches about our local economies in five minutes, and we've been booked in the same hall!
"Joe Pescolt": I had the room first. And let's be honest, my speech is more important.
"March Gustysnows": Point of order there, sir, but I think you'll find that my speech is the more important one, don't'cha know?
"Joe Pescolt": Look, youse is gonna have a lot of unhappy delegates on your hooves unless we get a ruling from Princess Twilight right now!
Spike: [sighs] Lemme see what I can do.
[door opens]
Twilight Sparkle: [snoring] Huh?
Spike: [squeals]
Twilight Sparkle: Does something need scheduling?
Spike: Oh, uh, yeah. Two delegates have speeches booked in the same hall. What do I do?
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, no problem. Just put the hay in the apple and eat the candle, hm?
Spike: Huh?
Twilight Sparkle: [yawns]
Spike: Oh, I need an answer, but Twilight can't even think straight! Oh, my gosh, what am I supposed to do?!
[door opens and shuts]
"Joe Pescolt": Well? What did she say? She picked me, right?
"March Gustysnows": Hey, hey, hey. Let's not be too hasty there, good sir. I got a feeling she went with me.
"Joe Pescolt": He-hey, if she didn't pick me, it ain't hard to see that as an insult to all of Manehattan! You know what I'm sayin'?
"March Gustysnows": And it'd sure be a shame to see something like a scheduling issue create a nasty old rift between Whinnyapolis and Ponyville.
"Joe Pescolt": So? What did the Princess say?
"March Gustysnows": Come on, now! Spit it out!
Spike: Um, she said that... Well, she said that she... she wants you to... share it?
"Joe Pescolt": If that's what the princess wants, what are ya gonna do?
"March Gustysnows": The princess is always right!
"Joe Pescolt":
Listen. No hard feelings.
This is not about you or me, alright?
I mean, this is...
"March Gustysnows":
Now there ya go,
we got a solution!
I have no hard feelings...
Spike: [sighs] Now, back to more important things! [chews]
Annoyed Delegate: Combining those two talks was a disaster! The hall was overcrowded and the speakers just shouted over each other!
Spike: Huh? B-but—
Annoyed Delegate: Why would the princess have made such a decision?!
[other annoyed delegates chattering]
Spike: Uh, by order of Princess Twilight, be quiet! [echoes out]
Fluffy Clouds: I was really looking forward to the "Don't Spend All Your Bits" Speech, but when I went into the hall, [tearing up] a pony had taken my seat. A pony who used to be my friend!
Spike: Your friend took your seat? Hah, big deal! Why don't you just—
Fluffy Clouds: No offense, but I don't need some random dragon's opinion. I-I want to hear what Princess Twilight thinks.
Spike: [sighs] Fine.
[door opens and shuts]
Twilight Sparkle: [snoring]
[door opens]
Spike: Uh...
[door shuts]
Spike: The princess says no friendship should end over a seat. You should forgive your friend!
Fluffy Clouds: [gasps] Of course! Oh, the princess is so wise!
[delegates chattering]
Spike: I could tell these delegates anything as long as they think it came from Twilight. [beat] Alright! Who's next?
[musical sequence]
Spike: So, how can Princess Twilight be of service?
Fancy Pants: Well, as host city, the Canterlot delegation feels it's only right that we should get passes to every meeting and party, yes?
Spike: Well, that doesn't seem fair—I mean, Princess Twilight doesn't think that seems fair.
Fancy Pants: Ehhh... yes, yes, very well. It was worth a try though, wasn't it, old chap, hm?
Spike: This is great! I just took care of a whole bunch of stuff that Twilight won't have to worry about when she wakes up! Wonder if anypony else needs the princess's help?
[door opens]
[paper rustling]
Spike: If I can check a few of these meetings off Twilight's schedule, then when she wakes up, she won't have to think about anything but the reception.
[background ponies chattering]
Spike: Uh, it says here you have a meeting with Princess Twilight?
"Frazzle Rock": [lisping] Uh, yuppers. She wanted me to prep her on all the different gemstones in the Citizens of Equestria statue before the reception tonight.
Spike: Okay, go ahead.
"Frazzle Rock": [lisping] Um, well, I'd rather, um, tell the princess directly.
Spike: Well, if it helps, you can call me "Princess Spike". No-no-no, it's alright. The princess asked me to take care of a few things for her. That's why I came to find you.
"Frazzle Rock": [lisping] Um, if you say so.
Spike: The princess says so!
"Frazzle Rock": [lisping] Uh, okay. Let's start with topaz...
Public Works Pony: [bites apple]
Spike: I'm here for your two o'clock!
Public Works Pony: You?! But I'm supposed to be briefing Princess Twilight on the progress with the water main!
Spike: I speak for the Princess.
Public Works Pony: Uh, well, uh, can I start fixing it again? I'm getting a little worried, to be honest.
[pipe groaning]
Spike: Actually, Twilight still needs her rest, and her no-noise policy is still in effect for a few more hours. Sorry.
Princess Cadance: Hey, Spike. What's going on?
Spike: Oh, you know, just settin' 'em up and knockin' 'em down!
Princess Cadance: What do you mean?
Spike: Not only have I kept things quiet so Twilight could sleep, I also took care of all her afternoon meetings so she won't have to worry about them when she wakes up.
Princess Cadance: Are you sure she'd want you doing that? There are so many things to keep track of at this summit.
Spike: Nah, don't worry. I got it covered. I know Twilight so well, it's easy to make decisions like her!
Princess Cadance: Oh, okay. Well, thank you for keeping Twilight's stress level down. As long as that's the real reason you're doing it.
Spike: Well, why else would I be doing it?
Princess Cadance: You're not enjoying speaking for Twilight a little bit?
Spike: Enjoying it? [laughs] No way! The only things I'm doing by order of the princess are for the good of the summit! [laughs]
Spike: [sighs] [vibrating] By order of the princess.
[steam hissing]
Spike: By order of the princess! [chews]
Spike: [through gritted teeth] By order of the princess...!
Spike: [sighs] Princess life is good! [chews]
Princess Cadance: It sure is, but it's also hard work, isn't it?
Spike: Eh, it's not so bad.
Princess Cadance: Spike, I'm concerned you might be abusing your relationship with Twilight.
Spike: What are you talking about? I'm a great princess—I mean, Twilight's a great princess! And I've been working hard to help her! When two delegates had a falling out, I'm the one who fixed their friendship! I listened to that pony drone on about gems for forty-five minutes so Twilight wouldn't have to! I moved a polo match away from the tower so she could sleep! And I didn't even eat that delicious looking statue! I'm a decision-making master!
Spike: [sighs] Okay. So maybe I did get a little carried away making decisions. But it's not like anything bad happened.
[trees falling]
[water main bursting]
Princess Cadance and Spike: [screaming]
Spike: This is unexpected!
Princess Cadance: I'll go shut off the main! You get rid of the water!
[crystals growing]
[door groaning]
Spike: At least the statue's okay. [sniffles] Oh. Oh, no. Oh, no! [sneezes]
[gems tinkling]
Spike: Oh, bless me...
[delegates shouting]
Fancy Pants: Oh, my! What is the meaning of this?!
Spike: Well, uh, you see, there was this polo game, and—
Fancy Pants: How could you let a water main burst on Canterlot's most important day?!
Public Works Pony: Hey, don't look at me! Princess Twilight said to stop working on it!
Fancy Pants: Well, what about these trees?! I ordered them trimmed to avoid just such a situation!
Horticultural Pegasus: But the princess told me to stop, bub!
Fancy Pants: Why would the princess make such horrible decisions?! This all could have been prevented!
[delegates shouting]
Spike: Please, everypony, listen! I'm so sorry all this happened!
Fancy Pants: What are you apologizing for? These were Princess Twilight's awful decisions!
"March Gustysnows": I'm about to blow my stack on Princess Twilight, I'll tell you that for nothin'!
"Joe Pescolt": Yeah, me too!
Fancy Pants: I'll not let Princess Twilight give Canterlot a bad name in the eyes of Equestria! Come on, everypony! Let's go give her a piece of our minds!
[delegates shouting]
Spike: Please! You've got it all wrong!
[delegates shouting]
Spike: [panting] Wait! I mean, [hushed] wait!
Fancy Pants: What is it now?! There's an angry mob here that demands satisfaction!
Spike: It's just that, uh, we don't want to wake the princess, do we?
"Joe Pescolt": Wake her?! What?! You're tellin' me that she's asleep?!
[delegates shouting]
[door opens and shuts]
[lock clicks]
Spike: [panting]
Fancy Pants: [muffled] Princess, we must speak at once!
Spike: She is SLEEPING!
Twilight Sparkle: [snoring]
Spike: [sighs]
Twilight Sparkle: [yawns] I'm glad you're here, Spike. We've got a lot to do! Do you know if the water main was fixed?
Spike: Uh, you seem well-rested.
Twilight Sparkle: I haven't slept like that since I was a filly!
Spike: You haven't? Well, at least I got one thing right. And it was the one thing Cadance asked of me. Maybe I did do a good job today!
[doors burst open]
Spike: [yelps]
[delegates shouting]
Twilight Sparkle: Fancy Pants, what's wrong?
Fancy Pants: Don't play games with me, Princess! You know why I'm here!
Twilight Sparkle: Is this about the special privileges you wanted? Because this seems a little extreme!
Fancy Pants: The special privileges?! The last thing on my mind is special privileges!
Twilight Sparkle: What's going on, Spike?
Spike: Um... you needed to sleep. And Princess Cadance told me you weren't to be disturbed. And there was this bird, and, well... long story short, I made a few decisions on your behalf.
Twilight Sparkle: A few decisions?!
Spike: Well, maybe more than a few, but I had good intentions! Honest! Until I... didn't anymore. I'm sorry, Twilight. I guess I got a little carried away. It-it just felt so good to have ponies caring about my opinions on such important matters. I guess I was just enjoying feeling like a princess.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, Spike, one of the most important things a princess can do is realize when she's made a mistake and fix it.
Spike: How do I do that?
Princess Cadance: You could start with them.
Spike: [sighs] Uh, hi there, everypony. So I guess I owe you all a pretty big apology. It's funny. Here we are at a summit that brings together ponies from all across Equestria, and all I could think about was myself. You all came here to celebrate the things that make each of our cities so unique and special. But instead of getting into the spirit of things like all of you, I used my friend's position to make myself feel good.
[gems clinking]
Fancy Pants: The Canterlot ruby goes here, old sport.
"March Gustysnows": And ours goes here, don't'cha know?
[delegates chattering, gems clinking]
Spike: Does this mean you forgive me?
"Joe Pescolt": Sure! You know, the whole idea of the statue is that when each of us plays our own small part, it adds up to somethin' great.
Fancy Pants: Quite. Just like how all our cities make up the beautiful land of Equestria!
Princess Cadance: I hereby dedicate the Citizens of Equestria statue to everypony who plays their part, no matter how big or how small!
[delegates cheering]
Spike: [sniffles] Aw, come on! [inhales for a sneeze]