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Episode The Best of the Worst
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[theme song]

Part 1

Rainbow Dash: [vocalizing] Aw, yeah... [screams]
Smallfry: That race was amazing, Rainbow Dash! How do you do it?!
Rainbow Dash: Aw, thanks, little buddy! It's nothing but a little hard work, natural talent, and all-consuming desire to be the best me I can be.
Smallfry: Wow...
Rainbow Dash: But I don't do it for the trophies. I do it for the fans.
Smallfry: [muffled] So cool.
Rainbow Dash: [sighs]
Twilight Sparkle: It's not quite level...
Rainbow Dash: My buddies! What's up?
Pinkie Pie: Oh! Rainbow Dash! I'm glad you're here! Everypony, give it up for Sugarcube Corner's... [echoing] Employee of the Month!
Rainbow Dash: But I don't even work here.
Pinkie Pie: You're that good. Plus, I'm working on my next humble pie recipe for the next Royal Jelly Juggernaut taping.
Rainbow Dash: Thanks! You know, of all the things I'm good at, my favorite is being friends with all of you!
Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Applejack: Awwww!
[bell rings]
Pinkie Pie: ORDER UP!
Mane Six: [gasp]
Dishwater Slog: Ohhhh, so you're the Rainbow Dash. I've heard you're the best of the best.
[knock, knock]
Mane Six: [gasp]
Dishwater Slog: But are you the best at being the worst?
Rainbow Dash: Uh... what?
Dishwater Slog: I am Dishwater Slog. And I hereby challenge you to a fail-off! When it comes to being the worst, you've got nothing on me.
Mane Six sans Rainbow Dash: [laugh]
Rainbow Dash: That makes no sense.
Pinkie Pie: It's nonsensical!
Rainbow Dash: Why would I want to be the worst?
Pinkie Pie: She wouldn't!
Dishwater Slog: [laughs] Guess you're afraid of a wittle friendly competitioooon...
Rainbow Dash: OH, NO, HE DID NOT! I'll show you my worst, all right! You'll rue the day you ever challenged Rainbow Dash! The brash! The crash! The... mustache.
Dishwater Slog: Huh. Pretty good at rhyming, I see. Definitely better than... myself. [laughs] See? I lost the rhyming round. Which means I won the losing round.
Rainbow Dash: Wait, whaaaat?
Dishwater Slog: Whoever loses the most in the next twenty-four hours wins. We'll compete in three categories, okay? Athleticism, creativity, and yup, emotions. Think you can handle that, winner? And by that, I mean... [echoing] looooseeerrr.
Rainbow Dash: Ha! Sit back and watch, everypony, as the best does her worst!
Twilight Sparkle: [gasps]
Applejack: Hmmm... Rainbow Dash, now why would you try to be worse than you are? About the worst she's ever been is when she forgot to give me back the book I lent her.
Rainbow Dash: I can't say no to a friendly competition!
Pinkie Pie: Uh, shouldn't you be rushing out, too?
Dishwater Slog: Nah. This is kinda my whole thing. I don't try. I'm the best in the game at not trying.
Rainbow Dash: [straining] So... heavy...!
Rest of Mane Six: [cheer]
Rainbow Dash: Oh! I'm so strong!
Rarity: Failing isn't quite your style.
Dishwater Slog: [straining] Nice try, Rainbow Dash. But you'll never amount to nothing.
[wind whistles]
[can clatters]
Rest of Mane Six: Huh?
Rainbow Dash: [growls]
Pinkie Pie: Here, Rainbow Dash! This cake was a failed experiment, so why don't you take a whack at failing to decorate it?
Rainbow Dash: It would be an honor to turn this into a creative failure, Pinkie.
[icing splattering]
Dishwater Slog: Ooh, impressive!
Rainbow Dash: No, it's not! It's terrible!
Twilight Sparkle: [gasps] Wow! Perfect randomness! It's... It's beautiful! Uh, sorry. But you have to admit it looks good.
Rainbow Dash: [sighs]
Dishwater Slog: Voilà! May I present Sugarcube Corner's Worst Customer of the Month – me!
Rainbow Dash: I have never seen anything worse.
Pinkie Pie: [crying] My picture!
[door opens]
Rarity: Hello, hello, everypony! Rainbow, how's—? [shrieks] IT'S HORRID! [faints]
Dishwater Slog: [sighs] Another job poorly done. Keep it up, champ.
Rainbow Dash: Okay. Now you're making me mad.
Dishwater Slog: Ah-ah-ah. Keep expressing your emotions so healthily, and you'll lose the emotional failure round.
Rainbow Dash: [growls]

Part 2

Rarity: There you are, my fiery friend. With my flair for le dramatique, I will be your inspired director!
Dishwater Slog: Hm. Now this I gotta see. Now, let me explain it so you can understand. The key to being an emotional failure is complete suppression of your feelings!
Rainbow Dash: You don't need to explain it to—!
Rarity: Rainbow Dash, don't take the bait.
Rainbow Dash: [sighs] Right. Game face, on!
Rarity: Cue Fluttershy!
Fluttershy: [crying] Could I please have a tiny little hug?
Rainbow Dash: Nah, I'm good.
Fluttershy: [gasps] Rejection! Noice!
Rarity: Cue Applejack! Bring the rage!
Applejack: Okay, Rainbow Dash, get mad at me! Flying is overrated! There are too many colors in the rainbow! You still haven't returned my book! Whoa. Got real there for a second.
Pinkie Pie: She is doing it!
Smallfry: Rainbow Dash! Rainbow Dash! [grunts] Aah!
Smallfry: [crying]
Rainbow Dash: You okay, little dude?
Smallfry: Y-Yeah.
Rainbow Dash: [growls] What is the matter with you?! Don't you feel bad about being so... bad?!
Dishwater Slog: [yawns] Not really.
Fluttershy: [echoing] You ought to be ashamed of yourself making others feel small all the time! How can you take pride in being so... so... mediocre?!
Dishwater Slog: Easily.
Rainbow Dash: If you're such a big failure, then why are you succeeding at being such a jerk?
Rest of Mane Six: [agreeing and cheering]
Dishwater Slog: I, uh... H-Hey! Okay, that doesn't count!
Rainbow Dash: Well, I say it does. You were a champion-level jerk when you painted over Pinkie's portrait! And yet again when you broke Pinkie's sundae glass! Twice! Which means... we're tied!
Dishwater Slog: Fine. If that's how you wanna play it, then we'll just have to have a tie-breaker!
Rainbow Dash and Dishwater Slog: Loser take all!
Dishwater Slog: At sunset... we race.
Rest of Mane Six: [gasp]
Rainbow Dash: [gulps]
Rainbow Dash: A race?! How am I gonna lose that?!
Twilight Sparkle: You don't have to do this, Rainbow Dash.
Pinkie Pie: Yeah! You're the best, and we love that about you!
Rainbow Dash: I know, but... ever since I was a filly, I could never back down from a challenge. And nothing's challenged me like this in a long time.
Pinkie Pie: Okay, but purposefully acting worse than you are?
Rainbow Dash: There must be a way! [gasps] Maybe a potion will make me worse! [gulping]
[laser sound]
Rest of Mane Six: [cheer]
Rainbow Dash: [groans] Nope. Still awesome.
Rainbow Dash: It's time. [straining] You're gonna win soooo easily!
Dishwater Slog: Yeah, right. You're so fast, you're gonna break the sound barrier.
Rarity: On your mark... get set...
Rainbow Dash: [growls]
Pinkie Pie: She's losing! She's really losing! Huh. Doesn't feel great to say.
Applejack: This just ain't the Rainbow Dash we know and love.
Twilight Sparkle: Look! The final leg of the race!
Smallfry: Go, Rainbow Dash! Beat that meanie!
Rainbow Dash: Okay, yeah, enough of this! I'm a winner! And winners gonna... WIIIIIIIN!
Rest of Mane Six: [cheering]
Dishwater Slog: [laughs] Knew you couldn't do it. My condolences.
Rainbow Dash: Thank you. Good game.
Dishwater Slog: W-Wait. What'd you just say?
Rainbow Dash: I said good game. Because that's the nice thing to do when you clobber an opponent.
Dishwater Slog: But... but... the competition! Don't you wanna beat me at my own game?
Rainbow Dash: Nah. I'm good at being me. Awesome, awesome me.
Rest of Mane Six: [laugh]
Dishwater Slog: B-B-But you're not playing by my rules! [groans] I hope you're happy!
Rainbow Dash: I am!
Rarity: Oh, darling, you're the absolute worst!
Rainbow Dash: Uh... actually, I won. Not to brag.
Pinkie Pie: Yeah, but you're the worst at being the worst!
Rainbow Dash: Okay, now that's a title I can get behind. Plus, I don't do it to live up to anypony else's standards. I do it for the fans! Oh! By the way, Applejack, here's your book back. Loved the symbolism!
Applejack: You really are the best.
Twilight Sparkle: Ooh! I've been meaning to read that one!
Dishwater Slog: I've already read it. Let me spoil the ending.