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Episode Whoof-dunnit; Dear Tabby
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[theme song]


Pinkie Pie: Whoo! I'm on a "roll"!
Rarity: [sighs] You certainly are, darling. But perhaps you could put a "pin" in it for now?
Pinkie Pie: I'm almost done. Whoa!
Pinkie Pie: You were right, Rarity. The Pin Pyramid was pretty precarious.
Rarity: While I am an organizing expert, remember the Marie Pondeau craze?
Rarity: Joy! Joy! Joy! Everything I own is gorgeous! [sighs]
Pinkie Pie: Wow! Can you teach me?
Rarity: No.
Pinkie Pie: Awww.
Rarity: But I do have a fabric organizer that would be perfect for your baking tools. I'll just pop home and get it. [yells]
Rarity: Where exactly did I put that thing? [gasps] An orphaned accessory. Where's your mommy, darling?
[dubstep music]
Rarity: Hello? Is this yours? Shade in the front, party in the back?
[dubstep music]
Rarity: Oh. You're just living your life. Carry on!
[film noir music]
Rarity: [to herself] She began to think that the head to which the visor belonged was going to be a hard head to find. Detective Rarity is on the case. Never fear, visor. You'll be shading some pony's eyes in no time. Excellent stitching. Yes, yes, a quality item. A-ha! A clue! Everything seemed to be pointing her in a certain direction. But was it a trick? She'd been bamboozled before. [gasps]
Fluttershy: Rarity! Would you like to join me for a moonlit stroll?
Rarity: [to herself] But she didn't have the time. She had to keep going before the trail went cold.
Rarity: Say, Fluttershy? What do you know about this visor?
Fluttershy: Hmmm... Nothing.
Rarity: Then what is this? [reading] "Don't forget to bring the visors to the moonlight stroll. Kisses, Fluttershy."
Fluttershy: [giggles] Auto-correct. That was supposed to say "visitors". Angel Bunny's bunny buddies are visiting from out of town.
Rarity: A likely story. Sounds like a fluff piece.
Fluttershy: It's true. Ask Twilight.
[film noir music]
Rarity: [to herself] The dame and her pet seemed to be hiding something. But Detective Rarity would not give up.
Rarity: So, Miss Sparkle. You are Fluttershy's alibi? But what proof do you have?
Twilight Sparkle: My calendar says "moonlight stroll"?
Rarity: Ah. So it does. But how do you explain this?! "Moonlit stroll – 11pm"! A-ha! Gotcha! Nopony wants the moon in their eyes!
Twilight Sparkle: All right, all right! I have to come clean! I haven't worn a visor since I was a little filly. I just can't pull them off with these bangs.
[horror screams]
Rarity: Hmmm. Oh, darling, it's true. I'm so sorry.
Twilight Sparkle: Applejack looks great in every hat. Maybe she knows something.
[film noir music]
Rarity: [to herself] While the dame spun her tale, it occurred to this detective that Applejack looks great in every hat. Perhaps she would know something. It was time to get sneaky.
Rarity: [to herself] Sure it was a seedy part of town. But was Applejack really the bad apple she was looking for? There was really only one way to get to the core of it.
Applejack: Hiya, Rarity! Uh, why are you bein' sneaky?
Rarity: I'll turn over that question to you, Miss Jack. Is this or is this not your visor?
Applejack: Nope. And I cannot lie!
Rarity: [faints]
[film noir music]
Rarity: [to herself] Another dead end. But there was still one avenue she had yet to trot down.
Rainbow Dash: Rarity! Are you here to work out with me?
Rarity: The only working out I'll be doing is to the details of this case. Where have you been for the last hour and a half?
Rainbow Dash: I've been here. At the gym.
Rarity: The whole time? [scoffs] A likely story.
Rarity: [panting]
Rarity: We're only a third of the way through this routine, and it's been an hour and a half! Okay. Your story checks out.
[film noir music]
Rarity: [to herself] Her story checked out. The detective decided to put a pin in the case.
Rarity: A pin! The organizer! For Pinkie!
Rarity: Oh, look at all my gorgeous hats. I wonder where my visor went.
Rarity: Ohhhhh. You've done it again! Solved the mystery! Hats off to you, Detective Me! Oh, my. Where did that come from?
[film noir music]
Rarity: [to herself] That's a mystery for another day.

Dear Tabby

[cupcakes exploding]
Pinkie Pie: Huh? [yells] These firework cupcakes are supposed to explode with flavor! Not actually explode!
[door opens]
Pinkie Pie: Oh! Applejack! Perfect timing! Give me a hoof before these cupcakes go cake-pop!
Applejack: Yeah, you look like you need a break.
Pinkie Pie: Mm-hmm.
Applejack: Why don't we sit a spell and take a gander at my favorite blog, "Dear Tabby"?
Pinkie Pie: Ooh. What's Dear Tabby?
Applejack: You don't know Dear Tabby?!
Applejack: [voiceover] Dear Tabby gives the best advice. And what's more, nopony knows her real identity.
Applejack: Her advice always hits home.
Pinkie Pie: Sounds awesome! Hey... she could be me!
[knock on door]
[door opens]
Pinkie Pie: [gasps] She could be Spike.
Pinkie Pie and Applejack: [laugh]
Pinkie Pie: No, it couldn't. She could be Rarity!
Rarity: Darling, nopony else could be Rarity. Who else could pull off the one-pony show Mane of Thrones? [deep voice] When you play the Mane of Thrones, you win or you dye... your mane!
Pinkie Pie: Ooh...
Rarity: I've been rehearsing all day. I need a snack.
Applejack: Have a fresh apple. It'll pick ya right up.
Rarity: What a delightful offer. But I'd much prefer a real sweet treat from Sugarcube Corner.
Applejack: Well, apples are the original sweet treat.
Rarity: Hm. [amplified] Apples are fine, but cupcakes are divine.
Applejack: [amplified] Cupcakes are acceptable, but apples are delectable.
Rarity: Cupcakes I'm adoring, but apples give me snoring.
Applejack: Well, apples are perfect!
Rarity: Cupcakes are even perfecter!
Applejack: Well... Well... Well, you're wrong!
Rarity: [scoffs] I thought we were having fun, Applejack. But that was simply too much.
[door closes]
Applejack: Ugh! Too much?! Comin' from a drama pony like you?! Am I right, Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: Oh, whoa-whoa-whoa. This is between you and Rarity. But if you want my advice, you might need to go apologize. Life's too shortbread.
Applejack: You're right! Not about apologizin', but about gettin' advice.
Applejack: [voiceover] Dear Tabby, I just had a heated— uh, passionate debate with one of my best friends. And now we aren't talkin'. How do I get her to apologize? Signed, A Frustrated Filly. [aloud] And send.
[knock on door]
[door opens]
Applejack: Is Rarity here?
Rainbow Dash: Nope. But I heard about your heated—
Applejack: Passionate!
Rainbow Dash: ...passionate debate yesterday.
Pinkie Pie: You two still not talking?
Applejack: Haven't heard a peep out o' that pony.
Rainbow Dash: What if you apologize to her?
Applejack: Me?! No! Apologize?! No! I'm still waitin' on a response from Dear Tabby. She'll know what to do.
Pinkie Pie: Hmm...
[owl hoots]
[rooster crows]
[cupcakes exploding]
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash: [nervous laugh]
Applejack: Oh, what a beautiful mornin'! I got a response from Dear Tabby!
Pinkie Pie: What did she say?
Applejack: I haven't read it yet.
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash: She hasn't read it yet! Read it! Read it!
Applejack: [reading] "Dear Frustrated, what an uncomfortable position to be in." See? She gets it. "Disagreements often happen between friends when somepony's feelin's are hurt. You're right. You do need to get talkin' again. And the first step to mendin' the fence is... by apologizin' to her." Wait, what?!
Pinkie Pie: What's the matter? Getting advice from Dear Tabby is what you wanted.
Applejack: Well, to begin with, the first thing you'll need to mend a fence is a post-hole digger.
Rainbow Dash: Come on, Applejack. You got the advice you asked for.
Applejack: I know, I know. But I don't like the advice.
Rainbow Dash: We get it. We gave you the same advice.
Pinkie Pie: You know... sometimes the advice we need to hear isn't the advice we want to hear. You hear?
Applejack: I didn't hear ya before... but I do now.
[epic music]
Rarity: I am Rare-eesi, Mother of Dragons! [grunts]
Applejack: [clears throat]
Rarity: Huh?
Spike: Yeah!
Applejack: A wiser pony than myself would've done this earlier, but I'm sorry for gettin' in your face. Our friendship is more important to me than some silly snack attack. I really hope this mends the fence between us.
Rarity: Oh, I'm sorry, too. What made you come 'round?
Applejack: More like who. Dear Tabby! She gives advice just like a best friend.
Rarity: That's because she is! I'm Dear Tabby!
Applejack: [chuckles] Well, color me surprised! It's nice knowin' everypony in Equestria has the sage advice of one of my best friends. Don't worry. Your secret's safe with me.
[cupcakes exploding]
Pinkie Pie: Oh, no! Aah!
Applejack: We don't need an advice column to know we should help Pinkie out.
Pinkie Pie: [screams]